Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.

In Your Court

I took a step before, and I had your hand in mine. But when I landed on the other side, I looked back to see you headed off in the other direction. I let you go with plans to never return to that crossing again, because watching you walk away killed me. Somehow... I feel like I have found myself there again.. or at least close enough to see it. There is no way I am going to ask you to meet me there this time, though... because last time I asked, you agreed only to try to prevent my pain and you bailed at the last minute. I don't want to ask and have you agree out of confusion or pity or conceived pressure. There is no way I am walking to that point again unless I know it is what you want, not what you are willing to go along with. I need you to ask me, so I can feel like I will still have your hand in mine when I get to the other side.

I was so close to that edge before, and I was as ready to take a flying leap off as anyone can be. Not only did you pull me back; you threw me back down the other side. I am not scared of falling, but I AM scared of stepping to that edge again if the person the with me is scared to go with. There is no sense in stepping off if I am just going to land alone. I know you can't promise things last forever... no one can. But if you want to toe the edge again, you will have to lead me there this time. You have to show me that you aren't just following along until you see a way out again. Not because I need to be coaxed or guided or talked into coming with you. But if you lead, I know you are headed where you want to go. Because as much as I want to take care of and protect you... I have to feel safe too.