Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.


Many times I have envied those with people close to guide them, but in the end, I am glad my decisions are my own. My mistakes are mine and my successes are in my name. Making choices based on the influence of others is too heavy a burden to carry. One would think it absolves us of responsibility when we let someone else guide our paths, our steps, and our views, but instead it only leaves us with more weight to carry in the end. Failures resting on the choices made based on someone else's directions leave us not only with the need to resolve our disappointment in ourselves for messing up, but trying to navigate the resentment we have for those that have steered us wrong.  Even advice given with the best of intentions holds the ability to aid in the sabotage of the happiness we wish most for those we care about. The best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them know you are there to keep them from falling too far, but let them navigate the road with their own head and heart as their guide. Being true to yourself, and not a follower of what is true to someone else, is one of the hardest parts of learning to be independent and learning who you are. Living with the consequences of well intentioned bad advice is only half of the pain, you still have to wrestle with trying not to carry blame and resentment on top of it, which is much more difficult than making a mistake all your own and laying claim to it as you move on.

You could just as easily say the answer to this is to avoid putting the weight on the counselor in the first place, but that in and of itself becomes a task, trial, and burden, as it is not what comes naturally or simply. When someone tells us to give something up, and we listen, it takes more work to relieve them of our blame for our heartache than it does to relieve ourselves had we just made the choice on our own. Or maybe we wouldn't have given it up at all if that had been the case. Without knowing if that is true, not making our own choice will haunt us for way too long.


I remember thinking, when I was a teenager who was terrified of her first kiss, "I wish I could just skip to the part where I already know what I am doing." It's funny to look back now that something as simple as a kiss is no longer akin to jumping off of a cliff, but at the time it really was something I wished I could just sleep through and wake up on the other side of. Now, I have to say, I wouldn't mind reliving the adrenaline of first kisses again. Hindsight, right? If only I could go back and tell past me that sleeping through life's events means missing out on things we don't even know are miss-worthy yet.

Of course, sometimes we wish we could sleep through or skip parts that are genuinely terrible or hard, but it is because we know we will eventually come out on the other side that we make that wish, which is something to consider. I never wished I could sleep through a stage that I wasn't sure I was going to get through one way or another, so it is a testament to how little faith we have  in ourselves even if we know the mountain we have to climb is one we can tackle. I knew that one day I would be able to kiss someone without feeling like I was going to die of fear, but instead of using that as a source of confidence and encouragement, I spent my energy wishing I could just hop right over the part between start and steady jog. We all do it. I still do it.

Even though I am sure that I will make it to the other end of trials in my life right now, I still wish I could just fast forward though the steps to get there...I wish I could wake up when things are easier and simpler and... allowed. It isn't a matter of not having faith in the ending outcome, because I don't fret over whether it will be. It is completely about the difficulty of the road between now and exhaling. I still tell myself that I don't want to go through it; I want to jump over it... WAY over it.

But I am not sure that is true. Yes, it is hard to not know how long this stage will last. It is disheartening to be delegated to a position that I feel is less than I want to be in with a smaller part than I wish I had. Knowing what is in store eventually does not make not having it now much easier. Because while I wait, there is nothing on pause for me. My heart keeps falling, sinking further and further past the point of detached or anything resembling safety. So, I tell myself I wish I could sleep through it because I know it is hard and getting harder, but I also know that these things we live through are what design us, build us, and keep us standing. If I went to sleep and just woke up when the complications were gone, I wouldn't have built the feelings I am building now, nor would I have as deep an appreciation for finally having what I want if I did not know the struggle it took to get it.

If I skip this part, no matter how hard it seems, I would miss it... as hard as that is to believe. I wouldn't know it, but it would be different. Because the day that I get to be present and important and needed is going to feel so good after knowing what it feels like for that to be impossible no matter who wants it to be the case. I suppose I could step away from everything and say I want to table it until the everything else is handled, so that our start is one that happens without hindrance or opposition, but I want to know the longing... I want to know the sweetness only fleeting moments afford... I want to know what it is to wish for it. Because it is knowing all of that which makes keeping it protected all the more important. You don't take something for granted when you know what it is to hold your breath each minute you are without it.

Kisses are great, but if you skip past the part where you are scared to death to learn how to do it, you don't have the appreciation for how powerful a kiss can be, because only the really good and really important things can make you feel like that.