frozen

I am not sure why I am here or what I am going to say, I just know I feel like I need to talk... to tell someone how much I hurt right now. No one is going to understand it, so there is no one to talk to about it anyway, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it wasn't 1:31am so I could at least unload to someone, regardless of whether they understood or not. I feel like I can't breathe. For a few minutes I couldn't, but now I just feel like I can't. I have no right to feel this way is what my head keeps saying, but my gut and my heart, and my lungs, and every inch of my body is not in agreement. It's like a death, or a loss of some sort. It is like a life time is taken from my hands, only it wasn't actually in my hands anymore... I am talking in circles. I don't know how to put this into words. I am not sure I have been in this kind of pain before. I am not saying it is the worst pain I have felt, but it is the only pain of its kind I have ever felt. Knowing what that means and what that says just makes the pain even stronger. It makes me scared that nothing else will ever get so close to me that it would hurt this bad to finally lose it. It makes me scared that this is the only thing that will ever hurt me this way because nothing else will be able to be this... vital. I have fallen in love once in my life. Just once.