Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.

Palpable

Sometimes I dream about Linda, my mother. I don't call her that anymore, though. Not unless I am explaining to someone new who she is in relation to me. My mom is Debbie, my dad's wife. I feel her love more in the first 5 minutes of my visits than I ever did in a life time of being Linda's child. But I digress... my dreams...


Just like many things in my life lately, this is another thing that has been screaming at me to think about it, but I have somehow missed the intent. I brushed them off as products of past pain and never thought that they might be telling of the present. But then again, until just a few months ago I was still lying to myself about being unaffected. Of course I didn't think the dreams meant anything about now; I thought I was fine right now. They are, however, my present. Every single dream that includes Linda plays out the same way. The stories are different, but the progression of emotions is the same. And let me tell you, these dreams are one of two types of the strongest dreams I ever experience. One type is for discussion some other day. But these dreams, my god, I FEEL them. 

Regardless of the story playing out, eventually Linda enters the dream. We are getting along at first but it quickly becomes some situation where I am doing something that I think she will like or approve of and she either ignores is or dismisses it. I can feel the need to see her smile at me or touch me or acknowledge me in a positive way. It isn't like most dreams where it is like you are watching a movie. I feel the ache like I am awake and standing there in the flesh. Then things turn. She always says something that hurts or does something terrible and I begin to try to tell her how mad I am, but she doesn't hear me. I mean, she hears me but she acts like what I am saying is the equivalent of telling her the time of day. She is completely unrattled or unmoved by my expression of hurt and sadness. So, I progress to this level of anger that becomes hatred...pure hatred. There is no other word for it, and I feel it like it is happening in real time. I hate her through every part of my body and I feel like I am going to explode. My stomach is in a solid ball and I can feel the pain in my fingertips. I am always just trying to get her to see that she has made me hate her. I am screaming at her and feeling this hate and all I want is for her to see what it is and realize how strong she has made it. But in every dream she is oblivious and nothing I am saying is getting in. Every single dream with Linda in it happens this exact way and has for years. I always wake up still feeling that hate, that need for her to just hear me and not just hear the words. For her to see me, not just look at me.

Waking up from a dream that strong, you can't describe it to other people who have not experienced it. Even nightmares don't feel that real. Emotions don't normally run through straight to your bones and your gut when you are dreaming, not like that. I have woken up scared before, but I would trade a million nightmares for one of these dreams where I wake up trying to make someone see that I hate them. Or that all I was ever trying to do was love them. Trying not to be invisible.

I struggle with why my mother never protected me. It makes me hate her more than I hate the man who put his hands on me. Don't get me wrong, the woman was abusive as well, if not worse so. But the reason that I seem to keep coming back to her is because she left me to the wolves more than once. I don't ever dream about Bill. Never. But I dream about Linda a couple times a month at least. And she still doesn't see me or the pain. I just wish I could stop screaming at a ghost. I just want her to understand, to feel. I want all this weight I have to come down on her so she can really know it. It is impossible. Linda will never understand or feel responsible or truly see the carnage she left behind. She will hear blame and refuse to listen to the pain. How do I get my dreams to realize what my head knows... that Linda is never going to be my mom in any other sense than a name on a birth certificate?

Forgiving her is suppose to be what will save me, but how do you forgive someone who can't acknowledge what they have done... who can't apologize with any amount of actual sincerity... who thinks they have done nothing significantly wrong? How do you stop hating someone in your dreams?

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