I Did It.

Just Like All The Negativity In My Life.

Severed.

Why not my life?

I laugh when she suggest I write a book about my life... "My life?" Right... because it is soo extraordinary. Even he laughed at the thought, which of course actually made me defensive of the idea. "Why isn't my life worthy of a book?!" God's little way of setting my sights back in the right direction...putting someone there to try to sway me the other way. Works everytime. So, maybe I will write it..or speak it and then write it. She says she has already talked to people about me. Not who I am, but what my life has been. They are interested. They are interested? And she still doesn't even know the half of it. Boy could I be dragging up some shit here folks. Not just a little, but a lot. Pain. Regret. Blind eyes and turned cheeks. Strength. Betrayal. Oh man what a can of worms. The man that would be put on the chopping block is still my sister's father and her and i love each other. Can I hurt her like that? She knows some...but not all. The woman I would crucify without even trying...just by telling the truth... is still a member of a family that I enjoy being close to. Would they understand or think I was just out for blood? Would I be breaking bonds in the name of healing and encouragement because they see it as mud slinging? If I am honest, there are people who I have forgiven now that may hate me for that forgiveness..because they likely never knew they needed it in the first place. I refuse to do it unless it is real... and that could cost me what little bit of illusion to friendship and love I have left.

and im not sure i can do it here. i feel suffocated. not by anyone or anything..but by "here". I feel like the only place where I can feel safe enough to do it is where I am supposed to be. That city is where I have been going all of my life. No matter where I landed, the destination never changes. I could wear that city like a dress. I feel it when I walk down the streets. I breathe it when I stand on the sidewalk. I drink it when I look out the window. and I cant explain to anyone that feeling. But i know i am not alone. It is a nod from someone passing by, or a smile from someone on a bench... they all know the same thing. New York is home. Even though it has never been my home town, I miss it. I just don't feel like I can do what I want with my life anywhere else.

Sure I want the family but shoot me now if that means i have to live in some stucco covered house with palm trees flanking it and no sign of seasons. Even temporarily would be a compromise made through gritted teeth. I want to be somewhere that always makes me feel like I have somewhere to be going. I want to be surrounded by people who have bigger veiws and dreams than what is for dinner. I want to be active in a community large enough to swallow me whole, so that the act of making a dent in it FEELS good instead of just looking good. I want to take a blank canvas and make it a home right in the middle of a city thats somehow embraces the rough brick exterior, open and clean interior, and the green life I will plant on top of it. I want to be somewhere that doesn't think writing on your wall is insane so that I can send my son outside to paint on the walls if I choose. I need to be able to walk to the cafe and in one hour watch a girl pith purple hair, an old couple holding hands, a bicyclist, and a model walk by without any reservations concerning the company they are surrounded in.

Where else can I be creative? I have to be able to breathe. I can't keep telling myself it doesn't matter where I go when I know that some ranch style home where the dish washer hums and the ceiling fan blows will be death of all growth between these ears. This is who I am. I am a city girl. I want to think as far out of the box as I can get. I want to fight for things. I want to give things. I want to be in the heart of my dreams.

want..want..want... we all want. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, right? But which ones are okay? When I realized that I had given up who I was for my exhusband...I felt so lost I didn't know which way was up. I had stopped writing for so long that it didnt come pouring out of me anymore. My vocabulary had dwindled to nearly average. I stopped reading feverishly. I stopped drawing, because I wanted that to be his special thing..and so my hand forgot how to create. I guided him until I lost my way and then neither of us were where we should have been. I can't lose myself again like that. I can't get caught up in the shuffle..in the "American Dream".

No one will ever see the

power and beauty
I have if I keep toning it down

for the sake of those around me.

I am thinkin...

I am going to do my new year's resolutions starting tonight... why wait?

Lord Please...

Help me stay positive when those around me are not
Give me strength when I feel like I might break
Let me have patience when life's plans have to change
Show me compassion when others may have less
Give me the energy to get from here to where I am going no matter who tries to stop me
Bring me my family
and protect my love
I know you won't let me fall too far...but I can't help but be scared sometimes

Angels

Surrogacy is a calling...it is something a woman knows she is meant to do the minute she first hears about it...it is a tug at her heart that never stops.

She may not even love being pregnant (I do!), but the need to help a family, change lives, and have a positive impact is unstoppable. The whole process is exciting and infinitely rewarding to her and when the time comes to stop, she feels loss. She has no alterior motives, nor is she heartless... she doesn't lack a connection to the child she is carrying, it is just a different kind of connection. It is the feeling like you are doing something so good and no one can ever take that away from you. In the times where she ends up with a new extended family, it is beautiful...and in the times where updates are less frequent she can still know that the family she helped create thinks of her often. At it's best, surrogacy leaves everyone involved feeling blessed to be a part of it and to have those in their lives that the process has brought together. I don't think I would feel nearly as accomplished, fulfilled, or whole if I had not had the chance to help those two families.

I have so much to do

I know everyone says they have

a lot to do

But I have too much to do

Today, Tomorrow, and in Life

And I am distracted

First instinct is to help someone else
And forget to remember that

I have things to do too

Why don't I ask for help?

It is rarely there anyway

A treadmill stuck in reverse

I should be in school

I should be ahead
Unstoppable and amazing

But I am stagnant and focus free

How do I stop thinking

That me can come later?

Procrastination is a Ross trait

At least when it comes to self
preservation

Wish being selfish didn't feel so dirty

Sticks and Stones

All of my life I have been called names... Linda called me a slut (funny thing to call a girl who hadn't even had her first kiss yet)... Bill called me a Lazy Ass (um, 16 with 2 jobs and all As? Lazy?)... Joe called me everything under the sun when he was drinking and mad... people who barely know me called me a gold digger, a dyke, a whore, bad mom, and a baby seller... yet I still manage to think before I speak during an argument. I watched words tear apart a family (among many other things), destroy children, and scar me for the rest of my life. I helplessly stood by while anger and careless words tore my marriage to shreds. Sticks and stones may break your bones, people...but words can break your bond. I know what you are thinking.... "everyone says things they don't mean when they are mad." No, they don't. That is just a played out excuse that you use to be able to flap off at the mouth when a little self control would go a long way. If I can be in the worst of worst fights with a coked up, drunken maniac and still not call him a name...still manage not to say anything that I know will hurt him too bad or that I might wish I hadn't said... If I can be nose to nose with someone who has stolen my money, put me down for being a surrogate, or spread a filthy lie about me and not be disrespectful...then why can't YOU think before you speak when you are mad at someone that you love? Why do you say the worst thing you can think of just to get a reaction? Or call them a name as if there is no other way to get your point across? Don't you see that once those words leave your mouth, you can't take them back? No matter how much you apologize, they can't un-hear them...and they will always wonder if you really think that way about them. Or how about the trust that you have stepped on? Of course they are now going to be scared that you will act the same way every time you get angry. Some compassion, understanding, and respect goes a long way. When you lash out, you aren't saying "I am mad"...you are saying "I don't respect you and don't care if I hurt you." Just try it...I promise you can think first.

Not everyone HAS to say things they don't mean.

"Saying
"Life Isn't Fair"
is just an excuse
not to
change things"

~Me (12 years old)

Once upon a life time

I think I was 9. At least I think that is the age you are when you are in fourth grade; and I was in fourth grade. We were all in the dining room of that tiny house in Bradenton. Linda was there. She is my mother for those of you who don't know yet that I no longer call the woman "mom", "mommy", "mother", or anything at all any more. My sister was there. She would have been too young to remember this, as well as a lot of other things. Some times I wonder if that was a blessing or a curse. She may not remember a lot,but she was young enough to be influenced more deeply by the events. My "Grandma" was there. Only, she isn't my grandmother. She is my great aunt. Linda just calls her "mom" and made us call her "Grandma". I call her Aunt Audrey. She isn't nice, nor compassionate. This must be why Linda liked her more. They "fit" nicely with each other. We were there in the dining room and Linda left for a minute. I don't recall how the topic of us moving to Tennessee soon came up, but it isn't important so I won't struggle to remember it. What I do remember is Audrey saying "Do you think anything will be any different in Tennessee? Do you think it will be better? Well it won't. It won't." I was 9. She was telling me that things were going to stay bad. More than that, she was admitting that she knew they were bad; and Aunt Audrey would never do anything to change that or help us. No one would. I remember trying not cry. But mostly I remember brushing my Barbie's hair gently. I remember brushing it like if I could just be nice to her, maybe someone would be nice to me. I was praying, I am sure... I just didn't know that's what I was doing at the time. She was right... nothing was better in Tennessee.

Posted 2 Years Ago on Myspace

I think I am locking myself in until I get caught up with schoolwork... but it's hard when everyone likes you and you are lonely enough to enjoy their company...Shells and cheese is good. Broccoli and cheese is better. I miss my son. I miss being in love. How can you feel so grown up and so small at the same time... so smart and not smart enough... so driven and so over everything...? Home come I am not a jealous person, but the attention someone else gets can make me feel a little hurt? Why does my dog eat wallpaper? I think I have faith... but feel broken sometimes...I try to blame the tears that are so close to falling on being pregnant...but I know better...But I am so happy 99.9% of the time...why should that .1% that I am not even matter? Why do I put my hand on a hot stove over and over again? I am too trusting, hopefull, compassionate, and passionate...I see too much light...and it lets the dark sneak up on me. Why did God give someone who loves family so much such pieces of shit for parents? Thank God for the hard life I was dealt...without it I might not cherish those I do have close and I would probably break much easier...How come big hearts bruise so easily? Touch is so important... so necessary...and so often forgotten. A great kiss is better than anything in the world. I miss kissing. I could love a woman just as much as a man.and it doesn't scare me...but it scares other people. I don't know if I like red or green better anymore. I love really really long voicemails that make me laugh so hard... I save them for when I am blue. I like to leave long dumb messages because anybody can leave a name and a number...and I am not just anybody. I am an Aquarius by the book... it rings so true it could be my business card... except for the "sometimes emotionally detached, unsentimental" thing... Because I love emotion and sentimental things...Aquarius women are very faithful...They are free spirits...I feel weird when I think of having the same address for more than a year or two. but I know I want to settle down...Why do I feel beautiful somedays... and so ugly on others? Joe made me feel beautiful. he made me cry a lot. I don't mind being groped in public...it makes me smile. other people all over each other in public makes me smile. no one should be ashamed of love or passion. Why do I feel like I have so much to say, yet am so quiet around new people? I want to get involved in something... maybe even some things.... I want to make a difference. I don't want to do it alone. I get tired of explaining. I am too hard on myself and to easy on others. I make too many excuses for others actions and then tell myself I am just trying to see their side of things. My friend gave me the best advice this morning... and I didn't realise right away how much it applied to me...He said..."when someone shows you who they are, believe them." I believe in second chances...but I give too many third, fourth, and fifth chances...I don't believe people when they show me what they are...I close my eyes to what is in front of my face so that I can see the dream of what I thought they were. when someone shows you who they are, believe them...what do I show people? what do I show you? I know this is long and borderline insane... but oh well. Genius usually walks hand in hand with insanity...especially if it goes unchallenged, unappreciated, and unoccupied for too long. I don't believe my wishes can come true most of the time... I think I dream too big...but I don't think I want to stop. I wait for the ball to drop..

I wish I could wake up this happy everyday!

Well Hello

So... here I am...a new blogger. Maybe this will help curb my need to write on my fridge, post insanely long myspace comments about random crap, and also help me grow at the same time. To anyone who joins me here...if at any time you might question my sanity, please be reassured that it is a normal and common concern to have and that, while you are important to me, I can not help you see the light through the TV fog you have been drowned in.

Have a good day!