Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.

Sticks and Stones

All of my life I have been called names... Linda called me a slut (funny thing to call a girl who hadn't even had her first kiss yet)... Bill called me a Lazy Ass (um, 16 with 2 jobs and all As? Lazy?)... Joe called me everything under the sun when he was drinking and mad... people who barely know me called me a gold digger, a dyke, a whore, bad mom, and a baby seller... yet I still manage to think before I speak during an argument. I watched words tear apart a family (among many other things), destroy children, and scar me for the rest of my life. I helplessly stood by while anger and careless words tore my marriage to shreds. Sticks and stones may break your bones, people...but words can break your bond. I know what you are thinking.... "everyone says things they don't mean when they are mad." No, they don't. That is just a played out excuse that you use to be able to flap off at the mouth when a little self control would go a long way. If I can be in the worst of worst fights with a coked up, drunken maniac and still not call him a name...still manage not to say anything that I know will hurt him too bad or that I might wish I hadn't said... If I can be nose to nose with someone who has stolen my money, put me down for being a surrogate, or spread a filthy lie about me and not be disrespectful...then why can't YOU think before you speak when you are mad at someone that you love? Why do you say the worst thing you can think of just to get a reaction? Or call them a name as if there is no other way to get your point across? Don't you see that once those words leave your mouth, you can't take them back? No matter how much you apologize, they can't un-hear them...and they will always wonder if you really think that way about them. Or how about the trust that you have stepped on? Of course they are now going to be scared that you will act the same way every time you get angry. Some compassion, understanding, and respect goes a long way. When you lash out, you aren't saying "I am mad"...you are saying "I don't respect you and don't care if I hurt you." Just try it...I promise you can think first.

Not everyone HAS to say things they don't mean.

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