Posted 2 Years Ago on Myspace

I think I am locking myself in until I get caught up with schoolwork... but it's hard when everyone likes you and you are lonely enough to enjoy their company...Shells and cheese is good. Broccoli and cheese is better. I miss my son. I miss being in love. How can you feel so grown up and so small at the same time... so smart and not smart enough... so driven and so over everything...? Home come I am not a jealous person, but the attention someone else gets can make me feel a little hurt? Why does my dog eat wallpaper? I think I have faith... but feel broken sometimes...I try to blame the tears that are so close to falling on being pregnant...but I know better...But I am so happy 99.9% of the time...why should that .1% that I am not even matter? Why do I put my hand on a hot stove over and over again? I am too trusting, hopefull, compassionate, and passionate...I see too much light...and it lets the dark sneak up on me. Why did God give someone who loves family so much such pieces of shit for parents? Thank God for the hard life I was dealt...without it I might not cherish those I do have close and I would probably break much easier...How come big hearts bruise so easily? Touch is so important... so necessary...and so often forgotten. A great kiss is better than anything in the world. I miss kissing. I could love a woman just as much as a man.and it doesn't scare me...but it scares other people. I don't know if I like red or green better anymore. I love really really long voicemails that make me laugh so hard... I save them for when I am blue. I like to leave long dumb messages because anybody can leave a name and a number...and I am not just anybody. I am an Aquarius by the book... it rings so true it could be my business card... except for the "sometimes emotionally detached, unsentimental" thing... Because I love emotion and sentimental things...Aquarius women are very faithful...They are free spirits...I feel weird when I think of having the same address for more than a year or two. but I know I want to settle down...Why do I feel beautiful somedays... and so ugly on others? Joe made me feel beautiful. he made me cry a lot. I don't mind being groped in public...it makes me smile. other people all over each other in public makes me smile. no one should be ashamed of love or passion. Why do I feel like I have so much to say, yet am so quiet around new people? I want to get involved in something... maybe even some things.... I want to make a difference. I don't want to do it alone. I get tired of explaining. I am too hard on myself and to easy on others. I make too many excuses for others actions and then tell myself I am just trying to see their side of things. My friend gave me the best advice this morning... and I didn't realise right away how much it applied to me...He said..."when someone shows you who they are, believe them." I believe in second chances...but I give too many third, fourth, and fifth chances...I don't believe people when they show me what they are...I close my eyes to what is in front of my face so that I can see the dream of what I thought they were. when someone shows you who they are, believe them...what do I show people? what do I show you? I know this is long and borderline insane... but oh well. Genius usually walks hand in hand with insanity...especially if it goes unchallenged, unappreciated, and unoccupied for too long. I don't believe my wishes can come true most of the time... I think I dream too big...but I don't think I want to stop. I wait for the ball to drop..