Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.

Another myspace post from awhile ago...

I am my own psychotherapist
Using pen, paper, computer keys, and random thoughts as a vehicle
A personal version of therapy and self analysis
I will send myself the bill… and an excuse note to my past
Giving me permission to let it go

Karma is no different than God… just flipped
When shit hits the fan we damn God, but for the good we gladly take credit
And good karma happens to good people, but no one wants to accept bad karma as their own consequence
Funny
Confession : I have been in long relationships… I have only fallen once… I didn’t marry that man
I want to do it again
Fall
A tragic word with such a beautiful meaning
An amazing feeling
Felt familiar
Your heart and stomach are wrapped in invisible hands that sweetly wring every bit of resistance out of them.
Lucky to get it once
If I get it twice I will consider every good deed repaid ten-fold
Everything that is not it feels different
I have to turn off or dial down parts of me to be what they desire
Falling rips you wide open
Dark corners to hide in become non-existant
Free to love what you love, hate what you hate, dream what you dream
Show what you are
He was the only one who ever saw my soul
And I didn’t feel like I had to protect it
When he destroyed it
I put it back together
I offered it to him again
He shattered it
I put the remnants in his hand
He threw them at me

That alone is the origin of the fear that knots my gut
Makes me wary
Not any of the minor
And insignificant
Run-ins with cheaters and liars
Amidst all the pain is hope

If I could just catch a glimmer of that familiarity
The safety of being where I am supposed to be
Then I could let the wall crumble

With my luck I will find it with someone more scared than even I….

Its my life
Like how I am helping along something that I wish I could stop
Like it’s a train bearing down and all I wish I could do is put on the brakes
But I am not the engineer
So I just sit and watch it… hell I delivered the fuel for the damn thing
And the wreck that is eminent is with something that I want for myself
And I would never leave it laying on the tracks to get run over
But my hands are tied by the fact that I have no business even stepping foot on the train let alone stopping it… and I know better than to let its path become my personal problem
It’s not my wreck to stop
But I wish I didn’t care so much
Does caring earn me good karma?
Or does helping damn me?
The only thing breaking is my heart

I wonder if he feels the same way when he looks at me as I do when I look at him

Why is strength so lonely?
Everyone thinks that saying “you can do it” means something
I know I can damn it… I can do anything
BUT I AM TIRED OF FUCKING DOING IT ALONE
Yes, I can buy a house
Yes, I can go to school
Yes, I can keep my head up when my life gets turned upside down
Yes, I can hold back tears
Yes, I can climb higher, fight harder, stand stronger, believe more
Yes I can blow everyone’s mind
But who cares
Who knew success could be such a hindrance
Maybe I should just sit around, take antidepressants, and drain every last bit of passion from my being
And once I am a dependant shell of a woman
Then someone will come along that doesn’t go running for the hills
And my ex-husband would no longer be an asshole because he wouldn’t think he let the best thing that will ever happen to him go

Idiots

I am 26
Why do I feel like I am running out of time? Constantly
Like a quiet desperation to achieve every goal I have or will ever have before the first of next month


Why does my ex-husband think he is the only one allowed to love my son?
Fuck him

It is so oxymoronic to be a perfectionist
Cuz you want things so perfect that you will put off doing it until you can do it right
And in the process it is left not done at all
Which in turn stresses you out

Extenze says it can make your cock bigger… but can it make you kiss me like you’re going to die if you can’t have me right now?
Passion is the magic word of the day

Benadryl makes dogs sleepy sleepy sleepy
And now I am sleepy

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