Much of the content may be a bit dark, but it is not necessarily in chronological order. There are no dates, because I don't think it matters if I wrote it 3 years ago or yesterday. I decided to write for me and I know most of the time I feel like writing is when I have something I need to process or work through; this is really my only place to come to and release.

I am not miserable, I am just healing.

Changes

The real me isn't so stressed out that I don't smile! I am known for smiling...but I'm not doing it nearly as much now. The real me doesn't yell until I have been pushed way too far... I am not grumpy or snappy or complacent. I don't stress out when things break or when I get behind. I bounce around, sing, and laugh until I cry.
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It doesn't help that my life is nothing like it was a year ago. I miss being outside with the dogs all day and joking with people and having friends. Even if they weren't real friends, I am starting to feel like it was better than feeling like I have none (or very few anyway). You always hear people say that they would rather have just a couple true friends than a handful of fake ones...but they are obviously not anyone who has ever had to go through actually finding out who those true ones are. I may have been walking around in a fog, surrounded by people who didn't realy care...but I was happy. Everyday I felt blessed for my life...for my job... and for my future. I got doggie hugs all day, told dirty jokes and played around at work, and felt the sun or snow on my face...it reminded me that I was alive and real. Now...I am on a hamster wheel trying to get somewhere... and I don't even have my hamster buddies to keep me lauging while I run anymore.
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I need to rebuild...but where do I start? I can't go back there... and who do I let back in? And why do I feel like there isn't one single person who really understand how hard this is? It is nothing like what you have gone through...not to say that you haven't gone through bad stuff or even "worse" stuff...but it is NOT the same. This isn't about just losing some friends or changing your job... This is about having your world flipped upside down with no power to turn it back over...all I can do is adapt. But I can't FIX it. It is about feeling lonely. I can't call up old friends and reconnect or go visit... they are GONE. I can't go back to my job... I can't even use my own fucking name!
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I could go back and try not to hear them, or let it get to me... I could be headstrong as usual... but which of those two evils is the lesser?
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Done whining for now I suppose...so much for staying positive this year! Sorry to be such a downer guys...
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