Check-list of love
He (or she) will know I am amazing…He won’t be intimidated by my drive and ambition; to him it will be sexy. My independence will be okay and he will give me space to be me… but NEVER pass up the chance to hold my hand, touch my cheek, or kiss my forehead…because even strong girls are fragile. I will be beautiful in his eyes… when I am dressed to the nines, waking up in the morning, and dragging myself to bed at night. He will be floored at the size of my heart…and will never be jealous of the time I put in for other people…because he will know that he is HOME to me. The fact that I have friends of every shape, color, and personality will intrigue him…he will see me for the well rounded person I am and strive to be. Me being smart is an asset…and me being a smartass is even better…because it will make him laugh and feel challenged all at once. Not only will he think my causes are great, but he will join in when he can…just to be next to me and a part of what I believe in. He will know when to kiss me gently…and when to throw me up on the kitchen counter. He will encourage, support, and sometimes push me… because he knows how proud I will be of what I accomplish…and how hard I am on myself when I don’t. The fact that he is everything to me AFTER my children will be okay…in fact it will be perfect. He will want to take classes with me…to learn to dance so that we can lose ourselves in each other even if it’s in the living room…to learn to scuba dive so we always have something to do on a boring day… and just to learn for the sake of learning something new.He will call just because he can’t get me off of his mind. He will stand up for me even though he knows I can do it myself…because I shouldn’t have to.Family will mean the world… and holidays will ALWAYS be a big deal. Adaptable and intelligent… at home at a bon fire or at a black tie party. He will run to be by my side when I feel lost…and running away when it gets tough will never cross his mind. Public affection isn’t a problem…it’s encouraged…because he is SO proud that the ass he is grabbing is mine. The fact that I can cook rocks. When I am too tired, too dirty, or too stressed to feel sexy… he will tell me how beautiful I am without pressure…because he knows how well it will pay off when I finally get a shower and some sleep :) He will draw my bath for me…he knows I will come up with every excuse on my to-do list not to take the time otherwise. He knows he can trust me…so he talks to me…even when he feels like a whimp for it. When I complain, it won’t annoy him…he knows it takes a lot to get me to do it, so I am probably not bluffing. When I am sick he will take care of me, even when I tell him I don’t need him to. The fact that I do it for him and our kids will mean tons. He won’t think I am weird because one day I am in a suit and heels and all woman, and the next I am in sweats and a tank top and filled with girlish energy. I won’t have to speak…my eyes will give it away…but he will never tire of my voice. He will at least tolerate my dogs…my cats…my fish…my snake…and anything else I have running around. And the fact that I can keep up with all of them makes me that much more amazing. He will know the best way to end a fight is a hug. You don’t have to say I am right…but if you walk out it says you don’t care. I will cool down more in your arms than I will out of them. His promises will be as solid as concrete. Breaking them is NOT an option…because trust is the end all and be all of what we have. And I will keep mine. He is a great Daddy. And his promises to them are the only thing more important than the ones to me. He knows they need direction and structure… and a good roll in the mud every once in a while too. He will teach them to care…even if others don’t. He will show them how to push themselves, but feel good about how they are today…and how to appreciate every bit of life from a beetle to a bear. He will show them how to look for the sun but always be ready for the dark. And bedtime stories will take priority over any football game, night out, meeting, or client.
He (or she) probably doesn’t exist… but if they do God will bring them to me one day. And they won’t see the wrinkles under my eyes either ;)
Another myspace post from awhile ago...
I am my own psychotherapist
Using pen, paper, computer keys, and random thoughts as a vehicle
A personal version of therapy and self analysis
I will send myself the bill… and an excuse note to my past
Giving me permission to let it go
Karma is no different than God… just flipped
When shit hits the fan we damn God, but for the good we gladly take credit
And good karma happens to good people, but no one wants to accept bad karma as their own consequence
Funny
Confession : I have been in long relationships… I have only fallen once… I didn’t marry that man
I want to do it again
Fall
A tragic word with such a beautiful meaning
An amazing feeling
Felt familiar
Your heart and stomach are wrapped in invisible hands that sweetly wring every bit of resistance out of them.
Lucky to get it once
If I get it twice I will consider every good deed repaid ten-fold
Everything that is not it feels different
I have to turn off or dial down parts of me to be what they desire
Falling rips you wide open
Dark corners to hide in become non-existant
Free to love what you love, hate what you hate, dream what you dream
Show what you are
He was the only one who ever saw my soul
And I didn’t feel like I had to protect it
When he destroyed it
I put it back together
I offered it to him again
He shattered it
I put the remnants in his hand
He threw them at me
That alone is the origin of the fear that knots my gut
Makes me wary
Not any of the minor
And insignificant
Run-ins with cheaters and liars
Amidst all the pain is hope
If I could just catch a glimmer of that familiarity
The safety of being where I am supposed to be
Then I could let the wall crumble
With my luck I will find it with someone more scared than even I….
Its my life
Like how I am helping along something that I wish I could stop
Like it’s a train bearing down and all I wish I could do is put on the brakes
But I am not the engineer
So I just sit and watch it… hell I delivered the fuel for the damn thing
And the wreck that is eminent is with something that I want for myself
And I would never leave it laying on the tracks to get run over
But my hands are tied by the fact that I have no business even stepping foot on the train let alone stopping it… and I know better than to let its path become my personal problem
It’s not my wreck to stop
But I wish I didn’t care so much
Does caring earn me good karma?
Or does helping damn me?
The only thing breaking is my heart
I wonder if he feels the same way when he looks at me as I do when I look at him
Why is strength so lonely?
Everyone thinks that saying “you can do it” means something
I know I can damn it… I can do anything
BUT I AM TIRED OF FUCKING DOING IT ALONE
Yes, I can buy a house
Yes, I can go to school
Yes, I can keep my head up when my life gets turned upside down
Yes, I can hold back tears
Yes, I can climb higher, fight harder, stand stronger, believe more
Yes I can blow everyone’s mind
But who cares
Who knew success could be such a hindrance
Maybe I should just sit around, take antidepressants, and drain every last bit of passion from my being
And once I am a dependant shell of a woman
Then someone will come along that doesn’t go running for the hills
And my ex-husband would no longer be an asshole because he wouldn’t think he let the best thing that will ever happen to him go
Idiots
I am 26
Why do I feel like I am running out of time? Constantly
Like a quiet desperation to achieve every goal I have or will ever have before the first of next month
Why does my ex-husband think he is the only one allowed to love my son?
Fuck him
It is so oxymoronic to be a perfectionist
Cuz you want things so perfect that you will put off doing it until you can do it right
And in the process it is left not done at all
Which in turn stresses you out
Extenze says it can make your cock bigger… but can it make you kiss me like you’re going to die if you can’t have me right now?
Passion is the magic word of the day
Benadryl makes dogs sleepy sleepy sleepy
And now I am sleepy
Using pen, paper, computer keys, and random thoughts as a vehicle
A personal version of therapy and self analysis
I will send myself the bill… and an excuse note to my past
Giving me permission to let it go
Karma is no different than God… just flipped
When shit hits the fan we damn God, but for the good we gladly take credit
And good karma happens to good people, but no one wants to accept bad karma as their own consequence
Funny
Confession : I have been in long relationships… I have only fallen once… I didn’t marry that man
I want to do it again
Fall
A tragic word with such a beautiful meaning
An amazing feeling
Felt familiar
Your heart and stomach are wrapped in invisible hands that sweetly wring every bit of resistance out of them.
Lucky to get it once
If I get it twice I will consider every good deed repaid ten-fold
Everything that is not it feels different
I have to turn off or dial down parts of me to be what they desire
Falling rips you wide open
Dark corners to hide in become non-existant
Free to love what you love, hate what you hate, dream what you dream
Show what you are
He was the only one who ever saw my soul
And I didn’t feel like I had to protect it
When he destroyed it
I put it back together
I offered it to him again
He shattered it
I put the remnants in his hand
He threw them at me
That alone is the origin of the fear that knots my gut
Makes me wary
Not any of the minor
And insignificant
Run-ins with cheaters and liars
Amidst all the pain is hope
If I could just catch a glimmer of that familiarity
The safety of being where I am supposed to be
Then I could let the wall crumble
With my luck I will find it with someone more scared than even I….
Its my life
Like how I am helping along something that I wish I could stop
Like it’s a train bearing down and all I wish I could do is put on the brakes
But I am not the engineer
So I just sit and watch it… hell I delivered the fuel for the damn thing
And the wreck that is eminent is with something that I want for myself
And I would never leave it laying on the tracks to get run over
But my hands are tied by the fact that I have no business even stepping foot on the train let alone stopping it… and I know better than to let its path become my personal problem
It’s not my wreck to stop
But I wish I didn’t care so much
Does caring earn me good karma?
Or does helping damn me?
The only thing breaking is my heart
I wonder if he feels the same way when he looks at me as I do when I look at him
Why is strength so lonely?
Everyone thinks that saying “you can do it” means something
I know I can damn it… I can do anything
BUT I AM TIRED OF FUCKING DOING IT ALONE
Yes, I can buy a house
Yes, I can go to school
Yes, I can keep my head up when my life gets turned upside down
Yes, I can hold back tears
Yes, I can climb higher, fight harder, stand stronger, believe more
Yes I can blow everyone’s mind
But who cares
Who knew success could be such a hindrance
Maybe I should just sit around, take antidepressants, and drain every last bit of passion from my being
And once I am a dependant shell of a woman
Then someone will come along that doesn’t go running for the hills
And my ex-husband would no longer be an asshole because he wouldn’t think he let the best thing that will ever happen to him go
Idiots
I am 26
Why do I feel like I am running out of time? Constantly
Like a quiet desperation to achieve every goal I have or will ever have before the first of next month
Why does my ex-husband think he is the only one allowed to love my son?
Fuck him
It is so oxymoronic to be a perfectionist
Cuz you want things so perfect that you will put off doing it until you can do it right
And in the process it is left not done at all
Which in turn stresses you out
Extenze says it can make your cock bigger… but can it make you kiss me like you’re going to die if you can’t have me right now?
Passion is the magic word of the day
Benadryl makes dogs sleepy sleepy sleepy
And now I am sleepy
Motivational Metabolism
What happens when we get into committed relationships? Does our motivational metabolism suddenly slow down…sometimes to a sludge? I would like to think that two intelligent, ambitious individuals could get together and create beautiful success and charity and change; but even the most determined of us still seem to fall victim to the same malady… we just like each other’s company.
...
Sure, while he is working on his website I could easiy be working on a book, my blog, or drafting… but I would rather sit and watch; and then beat myself up for it later. And when I finally want to do something myself, you better believe he is not far away, always asking questions about what I am doing. I suppose it is the nature of love, or even admiration at the beginning level.
...
So, should us smart folk stay single and productive; or shack up and try not to fall into the pack of poor souls that look back at what they “could” have done? Would the sweet feeling of accomplishment actually take the place of a sweet kiss?
...
I would love to believe that my love for my significant other would encourage me to encourage them…but I just want to cuddle. Maybe this is only a symptom of the honeymoon stage. Maybe by this time next year I will not care if we are on opposite sides of the house. I doubt it…but I am still in the honeymoon stage so I am not claiming immunity from being biased. Is the possibility that extra ciricular activities can create jealousy real and tangible? Can you want someone to succeed yet not want them to trade time with you for the steps they need to take to get there?
...
Is talent like a lover? Do we have to sneak off to love them and tend to them? Is it something that can’t be done in the presence of your partner because it may make them feel left out? We are like to say “I just want you to be happy” but when it comes down to it… what selfish ultimatums do we tack on? Happiness on our terms.
And when our partners begin to lose themselves; when they can’t smile and don’t know why… will we look to ourselves, first? The first reactions is always “what did I do?”, but maybe the question is “what did I not let them do?”
...
I was married and somewhere in that 7 years I lost myself and became miserable. Of course, there were lots of reasons to feel that way.. I was married to an alcoholic, drug abusing man who couldn’t see that his selfishness was disassembling our love brick by brick. But most of all, I lost me fr the sake of loving. I stopped writing unless I was mad or hurt…then I stopped doing it then too. I stopped drawing. I stopped walking in the rain. I stopped sitting quietly and just listening and thinking. Most of all…I sopped learning; mostly about myself and who I wanted to be.
...
He never said “stop writing”. But I let my love for him become the end rather than the support. It was the dynamite instead of the trussel. I never told him to stop drawing…in fact I loved it about him. You could argue that the drugs, beer, and parties told him to stop… but I m done with excuses.
...
So, do we unknowingly sabotage our relationships in the name of strengthening our relationships? What happens when you love that she is a painter, but you never let her paint or tell her to paint? One day she will no longer be a painter. She will have lost a piece of herself… and so shall you have lost a piece of her.
...
This should not be confused with blame games. I do not have to be told not to write. I willingly watch him rather than write without any coercion, whining, or snuggling.
Maybe love means locking them in a room with a computer, canvas, pen, or drafting table and then leaving them alone.
...
Maybe love means a little less lovin’.
...
Sure, while he is working on his website I could easiy be working on a book, my blog, or drafting… but I would rather sit and watch; and then beat myself up for it later. And when I finally want to do something myself, you better believe he is not far away, always asking questions about what I am doing. I suppose it is the nature of love, or even admiration at the beginning level.
...
So, should us smart folk stay single and productive; or shack up and try not to fall into the pack of poor souls that look back at what they “could” have done? Would the sweet feeling of accomplishment actually take the place of a sweet kiss?
...
I would love to believe that my love for my significant other would encourage me to encourage them…but I just want to cuddle. Maybe this is only a symptom of the honeymoon stage. Maybe by this time next year I will not care if we are on opposite sides of the house. I doubt it…but I am still in the honeymoon stage so I am not claiming immunity from being biased. Is the possibility that extra ciricular activities can create jealousy real and tangible? Can you want someone to succeed yet not want them to trade time with you for the steps they need to take to get there?
...
Is talent like a lover? Do we have to sneak off to love them and tend to them? Is it something that can’t be done in the presence of your partner because it may make them feel left out? We are like to say “I just want you to be happy” but when it comes down to it… what selfish ultimatums do we tack on? Happiness on our terms.
And when our partners begin to lose themselves; when they can’t smile and don’t know why… will we look to ourselves, first? The first reactions is always “what did I do?”, but maybe the question is “what did I not let them do?”
...
I was married and somewhere in that 7 years I lost myself and became miserable. Of course, there were lots of reasons to feel that way.. I was married to an alcoholic, drug abusing man who couldn’t see that his selfishness was disassembling our love brick by brick. But most of all, I lost me fr the sake of loving. I stopped writing unless I was mad or hurt…then I stopped doing it then too. I stopped drawing. I stopped walking in the rain. I stopped sitting quietly and just listening and thinking. Most of all…I sopped learning; mostly about myself and who I wanted to be.
...
He never said “stop writing”. But I let my love for him become the end rather than the support. It was the dynamite instead of the trussel. I never told him to stop drawing…in fact I loved it about him. You could argue that the drugs, beer, and parties told him to stop… but I m done with excuses.
...
So, do we unknowingly sabotage our relationships in the name of strengthening our relationships? What happens when you love that she is a painter, but you never let her paint or tell her to paint? One day she will no longer be a painter. She will have lost a piece of herself… and so shall you have lost a piece of her.
...
This should not be confused with blame games. I do not have to be told not to write. I willingly watch him rather than write without any coercion, whining, or snuggling.
Maybe love means locking them in a room with a computer, canvas, pen, or drafting table and then leaving them alone.
...
Maybe love means a little less lovin’.
Changes
The real me isn't so stressed out that I don't smile! I am known for smiling...but I'm not doing it nearly as much now. The real me doesn't yell until I have been pushed way too far... I am not grumpy or snappy or complacent. I don't stress out when things break or when I get behind. I bounce around, sing, and laugh until I cry.
...
...
...
It doesn't help that my life is nothing like it was a year ago. I miss being outside with the dogs all day and joking with people and having friends. Even if they weren't real friends, I am starting to feel like it was better than feeling like I have none (or very few anyway). You always hear people say that they would rather have just a couple true friends than a handful of fake ones...but they are obviously not anyone who has ever had to go through actually finding out who those true ones are. I may have been walking around in a fog, surrounded by people who didn't realy care...but I was happy. Everyday I felt blessed for my life...for my job... and for my future. I got doggie hugs all day, told dirty jokes and played around at work, and felt the sun or snow on my face...it reminded me that I was alive and real. Now...I am on a hamster wheel trying to get somewhere... and I don't even have my hamster buddies to keep me lauging while I run anymore.
...
I need to rebuild...but where do I start? I can't go back there... and who do I let back in? And why do I feel like there isn't one single person who really understand how hard this is? It is nothing like what you have gone through...not to say that you haven't gone through bad stuff or even "worse" stuff...but it is NOT the same. This isn't about just losing some friends or changing your job... This is about having your world flipped upside down with no power to turn it back over...all I can do is adapt. But I can't FIX it. It is about feeling lonely. I can't call up old friends and reconnect or go visit... they are GONE. I can't go back to my job... I can't even use my own fucking name!
...
I could go back and try not to hear them, or let it get to me... I could be headstrong as usual... but which of those two evils is the lesser?
...
Done whining for now I suppose...so much for staying positive this year! Sorry to be such a downer guys......
Just a reminder...
Genius usually walks hand in hand with insanity...especially if it goes unchallenged, unappreciated, and unoccupied for too long.
Get me out of here...
Double Life
How can I put into words what it is like to have your identity stripped from you?
You have to be someone else most of the time... to save yourself the headache. But how much of the headache is saved when trying to be two people hurts your head? ... and your heart?
It kind of goes against everything I have ever stood for. I am not ashamed of me or anything I have done. So, why now, must I hide from the most positive, influential, and life-changing contribution that I have made to this earth for the sake of answering a few less questions?
Have they no idea what they have done to my life, my home, and my trust?
You have to be someone else most of the time... to save yourself the headache. But how much of the headache is saved when trying to be two people hurts your head? ... and your heart? It kind of goes against everything I have ever stood for. I am not ashamed of me or anything I have done. So, why now, must I hide from the most positive, influential, and life-changing contribution that I have made to this earth for the sake of answering a few less questions?Have they no idea what they have done to my life, my home, and my trust?
This is why I do my what I do :)
"This will be our last Christmas as just the two of us, and we wish to thank everyone ... for their fabulous efforts in helping us become parents and for helping make our dreams come true, finally. Yeah!!!!!!! You should all feel very proud to be doing what you are doing, as well as feel rest assured in the knowledge that you have genuinely made a difference in the world. So ThankYou, from the bottom of our hearts."~Intended Parents
Myspace Comment - Laura's Page
I don’t care what is said
I know who I am
And why I am
And what I am not
You need to give your page a facelift
Cuz there’s some bitches draggin it down
I’m really pale
But it’s me untainted
Now my hair is another story
Never thought what I do would mean so much to those who don’t do anything
Should write a book
And make them wish
I didn’t care what they did when I knew them
Friendship means shit to so many people
I will hold you up, why do they put you down?
How do you fuck your friend’s man?
How can you throw stones at someone
When it is you who has failed them?
Baby weight sucks
Coffee is amazing
My job is to create happiness
So I choose to surround myself with it
All else can fall away
I wash it away
He makes me feel like when you wrap yourself in a warm towel after a bath
Pretty babies one day
Snow is still pretty
When it stays
Loyalty and respect
Word
I bought a recorder
Because my girl has an agent
That doesn’t know who I am or who I know
But knows what I am
And wants me to write about it
Wow
School starts in a few weeks
Can’t nobody hold me down
Wish you were here to hang out with me and Brayden
Don’t ever come back Laura
This place eats souls
And brain cells
And integrity
Kit-Tan likes the fridge
Hopefully he stops liking it before he dies in it
I am a vegetarian now
Well I eat seafood
So I am a pescetarian
I am in love
And not with a boy
Or an idiot
This message is long overdue
And likely that it will be talked about
By more people than we might ever know
Sentencing Dec 30th
I love tangerines
And hate palm trees and humidity
Buddy loves him too
I feel like if I write about it
I will have to relive it
That’s not true
But it’s a scary thought
Cuz I made it disappear
Poof
>Insert new life here<
So she’s isn’t scared to say it to my face?
Then why did she not say anything to my face?
Until after I threw her own feces into hers?
At one time I thought she was something
Man I have learned so much in the last year
The lights along the river
Look like nyc lights from my window
If you ignore the trees and pretend you are in a 60th floor apartment
“you pay five dolla” – China man in Times Square
“30 dollars!” - Laura
“Why did he give you boobs and not me!?”- Laura
You remember sitting in that room with all that family, happiness, and warmth…
Surrounded by real people with real hearts?
She asks me about you
Im still so tired
I think it cuz I don’t have a workout at work every day anymore
I miss those dogs something absolutely terrible
I wish the people hadn’t ruined it for me
Im going to piss some people off
When I write about it
IT = EVERYTHING
You ever read my blog?
Its my baby
But it’s a newborn
Sure to be a good read
For those with any kind of real brains anyway
So most of these fools need not bother
I like that I laugh when the laundry soap spills
I like that I write on my fridge
I wish I didn’t find pleasure in leaving them behind
I need to do something good again
I have to make a difference in lives
Because mine is bigger than me
I know it
I feel it
Like it is just what I am
I feel lost when I am just living
Fill the holes with books and lessons and work and words
I am here to do things
Not just “something”
But “some things”
Im just getting started
I hope you are still around to see it
When I change something big
Help people
Leave my footprint
I hope you are a part of it
When I make my life one that I look back on with a smile
When I fight for something impossible
I know I will
And I will write about it
And they will talk
And hate me
Because the only person they know how to help
Is one that will never say thank you
Tangerines are good
Tangelos are better
Bitches on your page… draggin you down
I know who I am
And why I am
And what I am not
You need to give your page a facelift
Cuz there’s some bitches draggin it down
I’m really pale
But it’s me untainted
Now my hair is another story
Never thought what I do would mean so much to those who don’t do anything
Should write a book
And make them wish
I didn’t care what they did when I knew them
Friendship means shit to so many people
I will hold you up, why do they put you down?
How do you fuck your friend’s man?
How can you throw stones at someone
When it is you who has failed them?
Baby weight sucks
Coffee is amazing
My job is to create happiness
So I choose to surround myself with it
All else can fall away
I wash it away
He makes me feel like when you wrap yourself in a warm towel after a bath
Pretty babies one day
Snow is still pretty
When it stays
Loyalty and respect
Word
I bought a recorder
Because my girl has an agent
That doesn’t know who I am or who I know
But knows what I am
And wants me to write about it
Wow
School starts in a few weeks
Can’t nobody hold me down
Wish you were here to hang out with me and Brayden
Don’t ever come back Laura
This place eats souls
And brain cells
And integrity
Kit-Tan likes the fridge
Hopefully he stops liking it before he dies in it
I am a vegetarian now
Well I eat seafood
So I am a pescetarian
I am in love
And not with a boy
Or an idiot
This message is long overdue
And likely that it will be talked about
By more people than we might ever know
Sentencing Dec 30th
I love tangerines
And hate palm trees and humidity
Buddy loves him too
I feel like if I write about it
I will have to relive it
That’s not true
But it’s a scary thought
Cuz I made it disappear
Poof
>Insert new life here<
So she’s isn’t scared to say it to my face?
Then why did she not say anything to my face?
Until after I threw her own feces into hers?
At one time I thought she was something
Man I have learned so much in the last year
The lights along the river
Look like nyc lights from my window
If you ignore the trees and pretend you are in a 60th floor apartment
“you pay five dolla” – China man in Times Square
“30 dollars!” - Laura
“Why did he give you boobs and not me!?”- Laura
You remember sitting in that room with all that family, happiness, and warmth…
Surrounded by real people with real hearts?
She asks me about you
Im still so tired
I think it cuz I don’t have a workout at work every day anymore
I miss those dogs something absolutely terrible
I wish the people hadn’t ruined it for me
Im going to piss some people off
When I write about it
IT = EVERYTHING
You ever read my blog?
Its my baby
But it’s a newborn
Sure to be a good read
For those with any kind of real brains anyway
So most of these fools need not bother
I like that I laugh when the laundry soap spills
I like that I write on my fridge
I wish I didn’t find pleasure in leaving them behind
I need to do something good again
I have to make a difference in lives
Because mine is bigger than me
I know it
I feel it
Like it is just what I am
I feel lost when I am just living
Fill the holes with books and lessons and work and words
I am here to do things
Not just “something”
But “some things”
Im just getting started
I hope you are still around to see it
When I change something big
Help people
Leave my footprint
I hope you are a part of it
When I make my life one that I look back on with a smile
When I fight for something impossible
I know I will
And I will write about it
And they will talk
And hate me
Because the only person they know how to help
Is one that will never say thank you
Tangerines are good
Tangelos are better
Bitches on your page… draggin you down
Turkey Day Long Lost
Here is my rant about Thanksgiving...or lack there-of. So, why on earth do we see Christmas stuff in the stores at the same time as Halloween? Nevermind the pure irony of having witches in one isle and the Virgin Mary in the next...but what about that little holiday inbetween that we are completely irradicating?! Has it really gotten so popular to be greedy that we don't need to be thankful anymore? Where are the fall leaves, cornicopias, turkeys, and pilgrims? Why is there Christmas music playing before I even get a chance to throw out the Halloween candy? This really bothers the hell out of me for so many reasons. First, I actually LIKE Christmas and I don't apprecite having it ruined because by the time it gets here I have had Christmas music, sales, commercials, and lights shoved down my throat for over two months. Second, I LIKE being thankful. Now, I know you can be thankful all year round, but it just comforting to have a holiday that celebrates it. Third, it isn't nearly as magical if it consumes 1/4 of the year. Fourth, the marketing of the Holiday has turned Thanksgiving into a mere marker for the eve of insane shopping and trampling deaths. I could go on and on and on... Doesn't anyone else see the problem with this craziness?
Why not my life?
I laugh when she suggest I write a book about my life... "My life?" Right... because it is soo extraordinary. Even he laughed at the thought, which of course actually made me defensive of the idea. "Why isn't my life worthy of a book?!" God's little way of setting my sights back in the right direction...putting someone there to try to sway me the other way. Works everytime. So, maybe I will write it..or speak it and then write it. She says she has already talked to people about me. Not who I am, but what my life has been. They are interested. They are interested? And she still doesn't even know the half of it. Boy could I be dragging up some shit here folks. Not just a little, but a lot. Pain. Regret. Blind eyes and turned cheeks. Strength. Betrayal. Oh man what a can of worms. The man that would be put on the chopping block is still my sister's father and her and i love each other. Can I hurt her like that? She knows some...but not all. The woman I would crucify without even trying...just by telling the truth... is still a member of a family that I enjoy being close to. Would they understand or think I was just out for blood? Would I be breaking bonds in the name of healing and encouragement because they see it as mud slinging? If I am honest, there are people who I have forgiven now that may hate me for that forgiveness..because they likely never knew they needed it in the first place. I refuse to do it unless it is real... and that could cost me what little bit of illusion to friendship and love I have left.
and im not sure i can do it here. i feel suffocated. not by anyone or anything..but by "here". I feel like the only place where I can feel safe enough to do it is where I am supposed to be. That city is where I have been going all of my life. No matter where I landed, the destination never changes. I could wear that city like a dress. I feel it when I walk down the streets. I breathe it when I stand on the sidewalk. I drink it when I look out the window. and I cant explain to anyone that feeling. But i know i am not alone. It is a nod from someone passing by, or a smile from someone on a bench... they all know the same thing. New York is home. Even though it has never been my home town, I miss it. I just don't feel like I can do what I want with my life anywhere else.
Sure I want the family but shoot me now if that means i have to live in some stucco covered house with palm trees flanking it and no sign of seasons. Even temporarily would be a compromise made through gritted teeth. I want to be somewhere that always makes me feel like I have somewhere to be going. I want to be surrounded by people who have bigger veiws and dreams than what is for dinner. I want to be active in a community large enough to swallow me whole, so that the act of making a dent in it FEELS good instead of just looking good. I want to take a blank canvas and make it a home right in the middle of a city thats somehow embraces the rough brick exterior, open and clean interior, and the green life I will plant on top of it. I want to be somewhere that doesn't think writing on your wall is insane so that I can send my son outside to paint on the walls if I choose. I need to be able to walk to the cafe and in one hour watch a girl pith purple hair, an old couple holding hands, a bicyclist, and a model walk by without any reservations concerning the company they are surrounded in.
Where else can I be creative? I have to be able to breathe. I can't keep telling myself it doesn't matter where I go when I know that some ranch style home where the dish washer hums and the ceiling fan blows will be death of all growth between these ears. This is who I am. I am a city girl. I want to think as far out of the box as I can get. I want to fight for things. I want to give things. I want to be in the heart of my dreams.
want..want..want... we all want. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, right? But which ones are okay? When I realized that I had given up who I was for my exhusband...I felt so lost I didn't know which way was up. I had stopped writing for so long that it didnt come pouring out of me anymore. My vocabulary had dwindled to nearly average. I stopped reading feverishly. I stopped drawing, because I wanted that to be his special thing..and so my hand forgot how to create. I guided him until I lost my way and then neither of us were where we should have been. I can't lose myself again like that. I can't get caught up in the shuffle..in the "American Dream".
No one will ever see thepower and beauty
I have if I keep toning it downfor the sake of those around me.
Lord Please...
Help me stay positive when those around me are not
Give me strength when I feel like I might break
Let me have patience when life's plans have to change
Show me compassion when others may have less
Give me the energy to get from here to where I am going no matter who tries to stop me
Bring me my family
and protect my love
I know you won't let me fall too far...but I can't help but be scared sometimes
Give me strength when I feel like I might break
Let me have patience when life's plans have to change
Show me compassion when others may have less
Give me the energy to get from here to where I am going no matter who tries to stop me
Bring me my family
and protect my love
I know you won't let me fall too far...but I can't help but be scared sometimes
Angels
Surrogacy is a calling...it is something a woman knows she is meant to do the minute she first hears about it...it is a tug at her heart that never stops.
She may not even love being pregnant (I do!), but the need to help a family, change lives, and have a positive impact is unstoppable. The whole process is exciting and infinitely rewarding to her and when the time comes to stop, she feels loss. She has no alterior motives, nor is she heartless... she doesn't lack a connection to the child she is carrying, it is just a different kind of connection. It is the feeling like you are doing something so good and no one can ever take that away from you. In the times where she ends up with a new extended family, it is beautiful...and in the times where updates are less frequent she can still know that the family she helped create thinks of her often. At it's best, surrogacy leaves everyone involved feeling blessed to be a part of it and to have those in their lives that the process has brought together. I don't think I would feel nearly as accomplished, fulfilled, or whole if I had not had the chance to help those two families.
I have so much to doI know everyone says they havea lot to doBut I have too much to doToday, Tomorrow, and in LifeAnd I am distractedFirst instinct is to help someone else
And forget to remember thatI have things to do too
Why don't I ask for help?It is rarely there anywayA treadmill stuck in reverseI should be in schoolI should be ahead
Unstoppable and amazingBut I am stagnant and focus freeHow do I stop thinkingThat me can come later?Procrastination is a Ross traitAt least when it comes to self
preservationWish being selfish didn't feel so dirty
Sticks and Stones
All of my life I have been called names... Linda called me a slut (funny thing to call a girl who hadn't even had her first kiss yet)... Bill called me a Lazy Ass (um, 16 with 2 jobs and all As? Lazy?)... Joe called me everything under the sun when he was drinking and mad... people who barely know me called me a gold digger, a dyke, a whore, bad mom, and a baby seller... yet I still manage to think before I speak during an argument. I watched words tear apart a family (among many other things), destroy children, and scar me for the rest of my life. I helplessly stood by while anger and careless words tore my marriage to shreds. Sticks and stones may break your bones, people...but words can break your bond. I know what you are thinking.... "everyone says things they don't mean when they are mad." No, they don't. That is just a played out excuse that you use to be able to flap off at the mouth when a little self control would go a long way. If I can be in the worst of worst fights with a coked up, drunken maniac and still not call him a name...still manage not to say anything that I know will hurt him too bad or that I might wish I hadn't said... If I can be nose to nose with someone who has stolen my money, put me down for being a surrogate, or spread a filthy lie about me and not be disrespectful...then why can't YOU think before you speak when you are mad at someone that you love? Why do you say the worst thing you can think of just to get a reaction? Or call them a name as if there is no other way to get your point across? Don't you see that once those words leave your mouth, you can't take them back? No matter how much you apologize, they can't un-hear them...and they will always wonder if you really think that way about them. Or how about the trust that you have stepped on? Of course they are now going to be scared that you will act the same way every time you get angry. Some compassion, understanding, and respect goes a long way. When you lash out, you aren't saying "I am mad"...you are saying "I don't respect you and don't care if I hurt you." Just try it...I promise you can think first.
Not everyone HAS to say things they don't mean.
Once upon a life time
I think I was 9. At least I think that is the age you are when you are in fourth grade; and I was in fourth grade. We were all in the dining room of that tiny house in Bradenton. Linda was there. She is my mother for those of you who don't know yet that I no longer call the woman "mom", "mommy", "mother", or anything at all any more. My sister was there. She would have been too young to remember this, as well as a lot of other things. Some times I wonder if that was a blessing or a curse. She may not remember a lot,but she was young enough to be influenced more deeply by the events. My "Grandma" was there. Only, she isn't my grandmother. She is my great aunt. Linda just calls her "mom" and made us call her "Grandma". I call her Aunt Audrey. She isn't nice, nor compassionate. This must be why Linda liked her more. They "fit" nicely with each other. We were there in the dining room and Linda left for a minute. I don't recall how the topic of us moving to Tennessee soon came up, but it isn't important so I won't struggle to remember it. What I do remember is Audrey saying "Do you think anything will be any different in Tennessee? Do you think it will be better? Well it won't. It won't." I was 9. She was telling me that things were going to stay bad. More than that, she was admitting that she knew they were bad; and Aunt Audrey would never do anything to change that or help us. No one would. I remember trying not cry. But mostly I remember brushing my Barbie's hair gently. I remember brushing it like if I could just be nice to her, maybe someone would be nice to me. I was praying, I am sure... I just didn't know that's what I was doing at the time. She was right... nothing was better in Tennessee.
Posted 2 Years Ago on Myspace
I think I am locking myself in until I get caught up with schoolwork... but it's hard when everyone likes you and you are lonely enough to enjoy their company...Shells and cheese is good. Broccoli and cheese is better. I miss my son. I miss being in love. How can you feel so grown up and so small at the same time... so smart and not smart enough... so driven and so over everything...? Home come I am not a jealous person, but the attention someone else gets can make me feel a little hurt? Why does my dog eat wallpaper? I think I have faith... but feel broken sometimes...I try to blame the tears that are so close to falling on being pregnant...but I know better...But I am so happy 99.9% of the time...why should that .1% that I am not even matter? Why do I put my hand on a hot stove over and over again? I am too trusting, hopefull, compassionate, and passionate...I see too much light...and it lets the dark sneak up on me. Why did God give someone who loves family so much such pieces of shit for parents? Thank God for the hard life I was dealt...without it I might not cherish those I do have close and I would probably break much easier...How come big hearts bruise so easily? Touch is so important... so necessary...and so often forgotten. A great kiss is better than anything in the world. I miss kissing. I could love a woman just as much as a man.and it doesn't scare me...but it scares other people. I don't know if I like red or green better anymore. I love really really long voicemails that make me laugh so hard... I save them for when I am blue. I like to leave long dumb messages because anybody can leave a name and a number...and I am not just anybody. I am an Aquarius by the book... it rings so true it could be my business card... except for the "sometimes emotionally detached, unsentimental" thing... Because I love emotion and sentimental things...Aquarius women are very faithful...They are free spirits...I feel weird when I think of having the same address for more than a year or two. but I know I want to settle down...Why do I feel beautiful somedays... and so ugly on others? Joe made me feel beautiful. he made me cry a lot. I don't mind being groped in public...it makes me smile. other people all over each other in public makes me smile. no one should be ashamed of love or passion. Why do I feel like I have so much to say, yet am so quiet around new people? I want to get involved in something... maybe even some things.... I want to make a difference. I don't want to do it alone. I get tired of explaining. I am too hard on myself and to easy on others. I make too many excuses for others actions and then tell myself I am just trying to see their side of things. My friend gave me the best advice this morning... and I didn't realise right away how much it applied to me...He said..."when someone shows you who they are, believe them." I believe in second chances...but I give too many third, fourth, and fifth chances...I don't believe people when they show me what they are...I close my eyes to what is in front of my face so that I can see the dream of what I thought they were. when someone shows you who they are, believe them...what do I show people? what do I show you? I know this is long and borderline insane... but oh well. Genius usually walks hand in hand with insanity...especially if it goes unchallenged, unappreciated, and unoccupied for too long. I don't believe my wishes can come true most of the time... I think I dream too big...but I don't think I want to stop. I wait for the ball to drop..
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